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Cupcake licker

August 23, 2009

I blame the buttermilk because it only comes in quart size and I also blame depressed Danish teens for what transpired Saturday.

You see, I had to buy some buttermilk in order to make the blue velvet cupcakes for the neighbors.  The left over buttermilk could make another batch – this time in red.  I was doing so well, why not tempt fate again?

These cupcakes came out overcooked and an odd color of red – they looked like the crumbly homemade recipe for playdoh my mother whipped up after talking to thrifty mothers on the playground and subsequently feeling guilty for buying the real stuff all along.  Such a thing would be easy to resist, I reasoned.  Thing is, I used to eat that homemade playdoh…in small quantities.

The cupcakes sat, cream cheese frosted, untouched, on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator as  miserably ugly sentinels to the healthier contents for 4 hours until I knew I couldn’t take it any more.  I would be damned if I gave these away to anyone because they showcased a culinary failure – they had to go.  I realized that they looked sort of like Mario Mushrooms – without eyes.  Great, now I was murdering blind 8 bit video mushrooms.  One by one I took them to the sink and pushed them with a long handled spoon into the mouth of the running disposal drain that hungrily devoured what I could not. Their waterlogged bodies mixed with the frosting forming what I thought looked like a mutilated cartoon body.

Each one had to go, I was gaining momentum and then I lifted the last from its tray.  I looked at it, held it in my hand as if it were Yorick’s skull, and prepared to address it then couldn’t remember the proper lines of Shakespeare as the beginning is often misquoted.

Instead, instead I licked the frosting and then shoved my anthromorophized Yorick video game mushroom made flesh down the drain.

I then proceeded to the computer.

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy; he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now?

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Dutch Treat permalink
    August 23, 2009 11:32 am

    You earned that lick, definitely, if only for a whole week of suffering this harsh, self-imposed vegan regimen. There have to be rewards, you know, not only of the final kind, but small, stealthy, underway ones as well.
    Every year, at Ash Wednesday, I stopped smoking and vowed to myself not to resume before Easter Sunday. I seldom made it, only twice out of fifteen, I seem to recall.
    However, I never let it come to the point that I was inclined to recite lines of good old Bill spontaneously. It’s a sure sign of deliriousness, isn’t it?

    • Hollandsche Nieuwe permalink
      August 24, 2009 2:03 am

      OMG! I just discovered who Dutch Treat is. Feels like exposing Deep Throat (they even sound alike).
      Question for KristenVolt: why choose veganism, and not that fat-based diet (forgot the name) where you can eat all the mayonnaise and cheese in the world. Or am I being rude?

      • kristenvolt permalink*
        August 24, 2009 5:13 am

        I tried that one – the Atkins diet. Frankly, it’s boring. Veganism, for all it’s stringent rules has far more variety than Atkins. There’s only so much steak you can eat – trust me, I tried. If you can’t make a sandwich life becomes really, really grim.

  2. kristenvolt permalink*
    August 23, 2009 8:14 pm

    Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.

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